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zetreque
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This summer I ask myself the question "What am I doing in life?" a lot. I have a lot of time this summer to ask myself that question. I thought I knew what I was doing, I think I know what I am doing, but I'm not sure when I ask myself that question.

I think I know what I want, but do I really want that? I always wished I had someone to talk it over with and figure out life with but I don't think anyone else knows either. Most people just keep themselves too busy to have time to even think about it. I could probably write a book right now about what I am thinking but I don't want to share it all publicly here or spend the time trying to explain myself so things are going to sound very vague.

It's funny. I have so much time this summer to do what I want, or at least what I thought I wanted to do, but I am not finding myself doing it. At first I had a bunch of chores I had to take care of, but now... It's always so hard for me to get motivated to do things I even really want to do. So I ask myself what am I doing? Do I really want to do what I thought I wanted to do, or what I think I want to do?

When I ask myself what I want, I know what I want, but getting it is another thing. Sure I can work on getting it, and probably get it, but I ask myself then what? Since I don't even do the things I thought I wanted to do, should I go through all the effort to get to where I want?

I really just don't know. My parents don't even help me figure anything out (they are separated and I support them a lot). It seems like everyone is complaining and wishing they had more or a better life, but they refuse to talk about it and work on achieving it. I know I could achieve a lot more in life if my parents only worked with me on it. I know friends and even certain people I fell in love with could achieve amazing things and be so happy if only they wanted to spend the time to work on going after it with me. But they are too busy keeping up with the Joneses and being distracted by the abundance of society to get what they want or be happy. Maybe that is what they want. They want to just be zombies in society. It must be what they want. So here I sit as always trying to figure it out on my own. Going after my dreams alone. I really do know what I want but somehow it doesn't seem that fun most of the time. Since everyone else is so different doing their own thing I really do try to live for myself and do what I want hoping that I will find like minded people with similar goals, but no such luck so far in life. I even made serious offers to help a couple people with their lives a couple times but for some strange reason I guess I was rejected on that proposal even when I thought it was going well.

So many more factors involved... Life is too short and over seven billion people now and it seems harder than ever to connect to people. I guess a main part of my dream or goal is to go back to living like I did in my childhood. I freaking loved my childhood. Alone on the mountain with the world as my playground. My imagination feeding so much fun and play. Combine that with my adult skills knowing some physics, science and how to use tools... oh my! If I could go back to forgetting that other people exist in the world and I wouldn't be so lonely in my play.

So many incredibly exciting things I think I want to do. How come I am not doing any of them? :(
I could do anything I wanted in the world, but what do I really want to do? I have been trying to figure it out for years. Life sucks being alone in a sea of people. There is a twighlight zone episode where everyone on the planet disappears. I'm pretty sure I could handle living alone that way much much easier than living alone surrounded by people.

Life seems so strange lately when I think about how I only have so many years left to live then that's it. So what do I want to do with those years? I guess I am just happy and thankful every day that I am alive an not in pain. That was unbearable. There is another kind of pain though... I wish I could figure out how to get rid of it permanently. The best way I know how to is to do what I want to do, so why am I not doing it? Why don't I want to do what I want to do? What is missing? Things only seem to get more confusing.

Last edited by zetreque on July 18th, 2015, 2:09 am, edited 2 times in total.
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