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My apologeze that my blog isn't really sciency and for just using two words that spell check says are wrong..

If anyone cares, I am not doing that great lately. It feels like the world is closing in on me and there is nothing I can do about it. Often it's too overwhelming to even talk about.

I just went down to the community garden (which isn't a typical community garden, more like a unknown one on a vacant lot near the college). It was so relaxing. Not a single person around. There were cars and a motorcycle zooming around me on the streets every once in a while and some music from the recreation center a block away but I laid down on the bench of a picnic table looking up at the cloudy sky through an opening in the tall pine trees. Silence crept over and all that was left was wind and bird noises.

I counted 3 rain drops falling on me over about 10 minutes as I stared off into the sky. It's so peaceful but I know waiting where I live is a bunch of **** with all their noise. Where am I at in the world? I often feel homeless even though this area is my home. Where can I find peace? Can I be homeless? Can I get rid of all my things so I can just drift around from place to place? Where on planet Earth do I feel comfortable? I need to get away from people. If I could only have a nice quiet place to live, then go into where people are when I choose.

It started to get darker as I laid there. The sun was low in the sky and poked through the trees lighting up some of the pine needles while dark clouds remain up above me in the sky. It was right on the edge of raining and a couple more drops would fall here and there. The sun left the pine needles on the branches above me and it got dark again.

I sat up on the bench and looked north. There was a faint rainbow in front of some of the darkest clouds. The sun was so low I followed where the rainbow would go if it were there up through the trees high in the sky and over to the other side. There, through and opening in the trees, was the other side of the rainbow much brighter before a bluer sky. I stared at it. I didn't have my camera with me or I would have been all over it, but I thought to myself "I will just enjoy this rainbow without a thought of taking a picture this time."

Another beautiful day where I live. I freaking love this place, but why am I so poor? Why are people invading my space and ruining my home making me feel so uncomfortable? Life is already so hard to figure out. I feel so freaking lucky to be here compared to so many others in the world and yet why am I feeling so bad? I think back to times growing up here when I wondered if life was too good, if life was too perfect that I wasn't happy. No, that's not it, something has just always been missing. Another beautiful day in paradise with no one to share it with. It's warm, Dark clouds in part of the sky, lighter clouds in another part. Rain drops singularly falling casually of various sizes and evaporate before another one hits. Sun beams shining through, and now a rainbow with the beginning of a sunset.

Have you ever just stared at a rainbow? Like really stared at it? It's an amazing thing. From purple to red. I stared at it a good long time. It kind of faded a little in and out and gently flashed sometimes showing that it was real. Threatening that it was something special that wouldn't be there for long. It reminded me of the time I saw the aurora borealis how it's intensity would change but it was different.

I looked back at the dark side of the rainbow and calculated due East since the sun had to be behind me for the rainbow. I went back to staring at it as it faded away. Everything but a light red hue was gone, then the green came and the red left. Then the green went away and the red was back. Then the green was back and I could gently see only 3 colors from purple green to red then it was gone.

I have lived here for my whole life when so many people have moved away to cities. Why do people like to move to cities? I can see it very temporary but why wouldn't people want to move in the opposite direction of cities? I guess I am just strange, just different as I thought back about my life.

I got up and walked over to these amazing beautiful red flowers planted in the garden. It was a step-stone walk off of the pathway that leads around the garden. I walked slowly by the flowers of several kinds and back out to the pathway. As I stepped on a stone along the path my calf stretched. Wow it feels so good stretching your calves by stepping on a step. I balanced on each foot holding a sign that I read about the native butterflies and plants of the area then walked along the stones on the side of the path around the garden.

I walked down to the creek. Wow it's so low. We are in such a drought! I stepped over the creek where in the past I wouldn't have even been able to jump across. I walked toward the recreation center through the forest and sure enough there was the beautiful sunset. The pastel colors were amazing with such an incredible blue sky color and small white clouds floating in front of it. I stopped and stared at it as some woman off in the distance walked staring at the ground talking on her cellphone.

I walked back to my vehicle and there were several woman screaming down at the soccer field and music started up in the distance. How can people love so much noise and not see all the amazing wildlife and nature around them? I got in my vehicle and drove home. Neighbors cars are gone, but lights are on inside. Who knows how many people illegally live there. Mariachi music is playing across the street with kids screaming and hollering. I walk in my back door and it smells like disgusting BBQ fumes from next door. I hate this place! I just want to have some peace where I can work on my hobbies and projects, think about things, and enjoy nature. Be somewhere I don't have to put up with random car horns honking (the anticipation of it I now have is torture since it wakes me up every time I fall asleep), or bass systems, or cryptic graffiti across stop signs. Not put up with all these oblivious people that don't give on iota about me. Any tiny cube to live in out away from with even just 50 feet away from other single residences. I'm sick of all these humongous multi-million dollar houses or claustrophobic compact apartments. How is anyone able to afford to live anywhere?

This past year I have been really struck by something. I grew up on the top of the mountain in a large house in a quiet neighborhood. It was paradise. I felt so rich in life. Then my parents lost the house and I was thrown into the ghetto where I have lived the rest of my life not really deeply understanding how I come from a very poor family. How hard it is to get anywhere in the world when you start off like that. You are born into a certain class and to get out of that class is incredibly hard. I guess I was lucky that my parents figured out how to escape it for a while until some bad decisions ultimately threw us back down. I lost my paradise, my kingdom, and now the world is creeping in on me with population explosion, and pollution of every kind. I am lucky to live in such an amazing place, I really don't know how people can live in most places in the world after what I was fortunate enough to have lived apparently. Just a different sort of life than most and I don't know what to do in the future. I just want some peace and quiet. I grew up so solitary that loneliness was something that has been hard for me in my life, but as I gained experiences with relationships with people, they ended up being so clueless and horrible that I think I want peace and quiet and solitude over oblivious jerks in the future. Just trying to figure out how to live with that. I guess you don't know something until it's lost, and you can't enjoy something until you went through hell. It just seems like despite all my luck, I still have had too many years of hell.

I have been working on putting my lifetime worth of photos and computer files into one place the past couple days. Today I looked through every digital picture I took the first several years I had a computer. That's a long story to get into all the feeling that opened up. Man I feel old. Even the climate is different. There are pictures of me jumping around in the snow. We don't even get snow anymore it seems like. The very spot I enjoyed this evening is going to be gone soon. There are plans to build a giant college presidents house on top of the garden. Another of the countless lots I have seen be built over here and many of them actually go empty. Less and less places to get out to escape to without humanity. I remember walking across this land before the college was even built here! Yes, feeling old!

I don't think I want anyone to respond to this. Not much anyone can say and I don't want to have to explain myself because so much is missing from what I wrote, and it's probably poorly written anyway.

Last edited by zetreque on August 10th, 2015, 12:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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