Modern Day Wooing ?

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Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby weakmagneto on May 20th, 2012, 10:07 pm 

From your perspective:

How does a man show interest in a female (in person and online)?

OR

How does a female show interest in a male (in person and online)?

OR

Do you think online dating works?
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Marshall on May 20th, 2012, 11:46 pm 

weakmagneto wrote:From your perspective:

How does a man show interest in a female (in person and online)?

OR

How does a female show interest in a male (in person and online)?

OR

Do you think online dating works?


I will try to answer. But I hope other people who know more about Modern Day Wooing also answer.
Has wooing changed in any significant way? I mean, since the invention of the telephone and the back seat
of the automobile?

Anyway I will try to answer and tell you how I think Modern Wooing works.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Marshall on May 21st, 2012, 12:20 am 

couples meet in the the course of study or work
or on hikes in the outdoors, which is also like work in that you get to be aware of how the other person functions in moderately challenging situations, and interacts with the rest of the group
musicians meet at orchestra or band rehearsals

Meeting on the job is the paradigm that I compare other things to. In a small team working to finish a project, or keep a business running, or the academic/research equivalent, you get a feel of what the other person is like.
Intelligence and good will in a woman is very sexy, you see her interacting with other people and getting stuff done, and being funny and thoughtful and dependabe, and then it gradually dawns on you that she is also physically attractive. You begin to know the smell of her and an image that stays in your mind. Her body sort of imprints itself. But you only started to notice in the first place because she is a decent intelligent person who is good to have on your team at work.

That's how it is with a lot of couples I think, who meet in a kind of ideal grad school or work situation.

But then there is another route where both people want sex, and they are thrown together in some conventional social activity like a party or a dance or a college room mate introduction or a blind date. And they are both on the lookout for a possible sex partner. And then they just happen to click, hit it off with each other. That's a good effective kind of wooing too.

Meeting a prospective mate at work and getting to know them that way may be more for older people. Beyond college age.

I'm 75 and my wife and I were married in 1964. I'm not looking for a relationship of any kind. But I can tell you quite frankly that you, Magneto, make a very good impression in the at work sense. You have intelligence and initiative and seem to have good instincts and are a good judge of situations. You do not seem selfabsorbed. So you have the kind of qualities one would want in a partner or team-mate at work.

Maybe a discussion board is like a miniature work situation. Also you have a daughter who is interested in galaxies. What will happen when Andromeda and Milky merge? It is sexy to have a daughter who is smart and interested in things like that.

I don't know what good this information does you. Basically I don't think online wooing works. I can't imagine how you would really get to know someone. Maybe online is just an outlet, a relief from the frustration and boredom of the real world.

But maybe I'm wrong! Has anyone tried an online dating service? I'm getting interested (but in a purely academic sense). What can you tell us about it, anyone, if you have tried it?
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Watson on May 22nd, 2012, 12:38 pm 

A friend is or was on a dating site, and she was frustrated because the level of honesty is not there. There is no way to know the truth from fictional representation people make about themselves. But on the other hand people could meet online the same as anywhere else, and get to know each other starting with a common interest.

Wanting to meet the right person is probably the wrong common interest to start off with.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby BadgerJelly on May 22nd, 2012, 2:06 pm 

Ask questions
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Dave_Oblad on May 22nd, 2012, 7:28 pm 

Hi All,

I have been with Match-Com for almost 5 months. It isn't working. I have had three dates and in each case.. found the date to have been dishonest in presentation or omitted critical details in early communications.

One was divorced but living with ex-spouse(?) and secretive. (this happens a lot)
One was retired and wanted a 24/7 companion. (I still work)
One was a hard-core bible-thumper who thought "spiritual but not religious" meant didn't attend regular Sunday services. (how she billed herself)

The others fall into groups easily identified by email before meeting.

The hot young ones looking for a provider for their numerous kids.
The Diva's that bankrupted their ex-spouses.
The unrealistic ones looking for a handsome millionaire with beach house & travels a lot.
The Ego maniacs and Manic depressives.

The biggest group of all: The too quick to judge! No pleasing this last group.

In an introduction email:
You say too little and your being secretive, sly or lazy.
You say too much about yourself, your self centered.
You ask too much about them, your being too nosey.
You be funny, and your not serious enough or you're immature.
You be serious and you're no fun.

Emails are virtual landmines, just waiting to explode in your face.
So if you are a masochist and love lots of rejection, online dating is perfect for you.

And they say pretty much the same things about the Men adding Serial Daters and Players.

Unlike young people, us old farts have become too settled and rigid, thus making the finding of a compatible match almost impossible, with so many variables.

And if you have any baggage at all, forget it. And who doesn't have some sort of baggage?
I take care of my elderly mother.. she lives with me. That alone scares off so many prospectives.. as they have no desire to live under the roof with a mother-in-law.

And if your prospective doesn't live next door, well.. no one wants to re-locate.

So, I'm thinking I'll join a club or perhaps dance lessons. Something that will mix me with local prospectives that can create a situation for social interaction and gradual emersion into the others life.

Anyway, some input from someone that's been there, is there, and ready to look elsewhere.

Best wishes,
Dave :^)
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Marshall on May 22nd, 2012, 8:17 pm 

Watson wrote:... people could meet online the same as anywhere else, and get to know each other starting with a common interest...


BINGO not knowing anything about it I nevertheless want to agree!

If you are isolated by logistic restrictions, time, place, etc. so that you want to use the internet, then maybe you could develop online ACTIVITIES, where you pursue common interests

if you like river-rafting, start an online river-rafting magazine and get other people to contribute photos and text.

if you like Gothic Novels about vampires, start an online vampire magazine and get other people to contribute photos and text, find old pictures of vampires, dress up as vampires and so on

In my case it would be working Cryptic Crossword puzzles by email. It is easy to do via email. What did you get for 17-down? I like doing that. I don't go for either river-rafting or vampires.

You set up moderately challenging situations and interact with people and get to know them by how they act in a mildly challenging situation.

My brother in law found a very good wife by taking up English Country Dancing. She's wonderful. The ACTIVITY brought them together. Scottish Country Dancing is much harder, you have to be really smart to remember all the moves. My other sister-in-law was in a SCD community, members kept marrying and sometimes the kids would even take up SCD. It was very ingrown, in a nice way. A challenging activity where you learn something about what stuff the other person is made of. Is he dependable? Is she a good sport? etc. Can he remember the next 10 moves of the dance? I did not like those people all that much but I had to respect them.

I like singing, where you stand still, rather than jumping around. But whatever works for you :-D

I can't think of any ONLINE activity that, for meeting and courtship, is as good as country dancing. Or Sierra Club hikes. But there might be. Regional discussion boards? Do they exist? Like a discussion board that is ONLY for people living in Northern Idaho? Talk about Northern Idaho issues news and gossip.

Then if you liked somebody you could arrange to drive over and meet them in person. Could a regional discussion board be INTERESTING enough, with only a limited population to draw on, limited pool of talent.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Watson on May 23rd, 2012, 2:09 pm 

Well I have have been married longer than I have been single so I'm still enjoying the freedom. The last thing I want is some else adding their expectation into my life.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby zetreque on July 17th, 2015, 12:34 am 

In response to all above posts. Yes. haha
And things are getting crazier by the day...
The internet has changed since years past. It's not longer just the elite/unique crowd that share the interest of technological knowhow (started losing that with myspace IMO, but now thanks to cellphones mostly).
As a hobby of mine I have explored many websites and how they work. In that I have explored nearly every dating website over the years... no luck.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby NetiNeti on July 17th, 2015, 2:38 am 

Just thought I throw in a little success story. Online dating can work.

I have met my current wife on a dating site in 2009 (I was in my late 40s).
We are still very happily together.
My experiences largely correspond with what Dave_Oblad wrote above.

I went on a lot of dates back then.
Lots of fakes, lots of photos from 10 years ago (or older!).
That's just the nature of the game. You gotta be prepared for that.

My profile was quite outspoken. I was very clear in what I would like and what I don't like.

I think honesty is the best approach.
Most women appreciate it.
And - most women smell a bullshit artist.

If you're shy, say so.
If you are otherwise "damaged", say so. We all are - to some degree. You're not alone in it.
Try to keep the self-pity in check, tho. Most women don't respond favorably to that.

Prepare to be persistent and to kiss a lot of frogs.
It worked for me in the end, and for some of my friends as well.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby zetreque on July 17th, 2015, 2:58 am 

The amount of fakeness out there makes me wonder if the world is still flat... haha (best thing I could come up with off the top of my head)
Yes, honesty is the best way to go by far. And knowing what you want but being flexible.

I wonder if these dating sites and the large population these days makes people more picky however. It's like if you fail in any small way the person moves on rather than putting out any effort to make something work.

In any case. I think online or real life, they can both work. There's just so many kinds of people in the world, it's hard to have a real answer to the Original Post. People show it in different ways, and people seem to be after all sorts of different things from my experience. That's why honesty is the best thing. I say things are getting crazier* all the time because as people become less racist, there are people coming out claiming all sorts of sexual status's.
Check out the most recently updated options on one site.

Agenders
Androgynes
Bigenders
Cis Men
Cis Women
Genderfluids
Genderqueers
Genders Nonconforming
Hijras
Intersexes
Non-binaries
Others
Pangenders
Transfeminines
Transgenders
Transmasculines
Transsexuals
Trans Men
Trans Women
Two Spirits

Straight
Gay
Bisexual
Asexual
Demisexual
Heteroflexible
Homoflexible
Lesbian
Pansexual
Queer
Questioning
Sapiosexual (one that I can at least relate to)

I think online dating is really taking off right now. People are no longer as embarrassed or ashamed. It has become culturally accepted. The younger generation even signs up just treating it as another social media platform to make friends and keep up with their friends. I have read probably thousands of profiles to learn about people in general. There are still many that are embarrassed about it, but less all the time. I see my classmates and professors on real dating sites. Even came across some old high school classmates. It makes it kinda hard to be as open as you want to be, but I think it's kinda a good thing too if you can get over worrying about what other people think of you. It helps maybe putting out information so that in real life someone can be like, "Hey I saw you online and saw you were interested in this (insert hobby here), that's cool.. and on goes the conversation from that starting point."

Since everyone is using their real names on facebook and you can practically find out every bit of information about someone online these days as they post their whole life on their the internet is becoming more like real life.

I agree with badgerjelly: I ask questions and show interest and look for others to show an interest in me.

*I just looked up the definition of the word crazy because I was thinking that perhaps I used it in a way that others might take offense. I meant it in the way like ""I've been crazy busy"". Like all over the place kind of crazy. Like no longer easy and black and white. Hoping to prevent anyone from going down the path into some crazy tangent (pun intended).
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby NetiNeti on July 17th, 2015, 3:26 am 

zetreque » July 17th, 2015, 5:58 pm wrote:I wonder if these dating sites and the large population these days makes people more picky however. It's like if you fail in any small way the person moves on rather than putting out any effort to make something work.

I would definitely agree with that. It makes people more picky and more emotionally removed from the process. Many develop some kind of shopping mentality. If a profile doesn't tick all their boxes it ends up on the ignore list.

Things many people would let slide when they meet in real life can be unforgivable on a dating site.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Braininvat on July 17th, 2015, 2:43 pm 

At all costs, avoid the term "wooing."

Seriously, I thought NN's guidelines about directness and honesty were good ones.


Dave, I distinctly recall a posting where you described yourself as married, and went on at some length (NPI) about how good the sex was, and the care and technique you put into it. Did I miss something? (OOPS, DAVE, just saw tje date on your posting, LOL. Nevah mind.)
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Dave_Oblad on July 17th, 2015, 9:52 pm 

Hi Braininvat,

I graduated high school '69'. Went to college 6 months, met a bad professor, dropped college, lost Draft Deferment, got drafted, spent a year in Vietnam as an MP. Got back, got a job and a buddy room-mate. He was dating a girl, but he was too selfish money and time wise, and started standing her up, making her cry. I started dating her, married her 3 months later, was married 31 years. Robin passed October 30, 2003. 5 years later I was making good money and started hitting the on-line dating sites. Then economy collapsed, I took a 50% cut in pay, so gave up on dating until I'm back on top.. money wise. Getting there. Meantime, my mother moved in with me and now I'm a Care Giver with no Time and little Money...lol.

But things are looking up lately.. planting lots of proverbial seeds.. hope to get to harvest my labors soon. Then maybe back to dating.. maybe on-line connections.

I have one female friend from On-Line Dating who hates the method. Say's all men are liars (except me of course...lol). But.. she is a party animal and I'm more like a cat.. love to be inanimate. So not really compatible.

But I did meet some really insane women on my few dates. One openly bragged about how she liked to torture her 3 ex-husbands. I wanted my flowers back...lol.

Anyway, just to bring you up to speed.. ;^P

Regards,
Dave :^)
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby NetiNeti on July 17th, 2015, 10:32 pm 

A little tip from what I have learned on the about 60 dates I went (and had to go) on until I met my now wife:

Many women these days feel kind of obliged to jump into bed with their date fairly soon, often on the first date. And often, they don't actually want to, they just feel obliged.
Some kind of peer pressure I guess.

I know that sex is so much better if there is some form of emotional connection first.
When I was sure that I wanted to get to know my date better I refused her offer to have sex by telling her that I would like to get to know her better first and that I wasn't in a rush (both was true).

That usually had two effects:
1. she relaxed - the pressure was off.
2. she was impressed.

Both very desirable in my book.


With my now wife (I really wanted to get to know her!) I even refused on the second and third date.
That, however, had a different effect. Especially by the third date (also spending lots of time chatting on the phone of course) the connection was sufficiently established for her to really want it but by refusing her yet again (in a very friendly way of course) a different kind of pressure was building up.
It was a good move, I must say.
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Re: Modern Day Wooing ?

Postby Braininvat on July 18th, 2015, 9:39 am 

Dave, the post I saw was using past tense, regarding your marriage, and I somehow obtusely didn't catch that. I thank you for your patience....and should never skim a posting. I understand compatibility issue with a party animal, being more of a cat myself, but have seen couples where the extrovert is understanding of the quiet cat's nature and it works. E.g. she might take separate car, so the husband can make an appearance, plead fatigue after a bit, and go home earlier.

Neti, your approach to date sex is classic. It's the way to go, where a LTR is desired.
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