Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on August 17th, 2016, 3:05 pm 

Hi all,

Well, here we are in the middle of August. Time for another update. This month I picked Cars as a theme. Enjoy...

firedept.jpg

Parking.jpg

decal.jpg

Blinker.jpg

Catch you all next Month.. Keep cool.. lol.

Best to all,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Braininvat on August 17th, 2016, 3:15 pm 

Love the poetic justice in the first 2 pics!
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby doogles on August 25th, 2016, 6:39 am 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"





"It's like talking to a **** brick wall."
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on August 25th, 2016, 1:19 pm 

Hahaha.. doogles,

Good one.. I really have to remember that one.

Regards,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby doogles on August 28th, 2016, 1:35 am 

Thanks David, but you shouldn't encourage me.

I liked this one too. This one could have been in the English thread.

Just in case you needed a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on August 28th, 2016, 3:43 am 

Hi Doogles,

Talk about deja vu...

http://www.sciencechatforum.com/viewtopic.php?p=286522#p282446

But still very, very, funny, even in a rerun. I copied and sent this via Email back on June 26th, 2015 to a pilot friend of mine. He really enjoyed it also.

Best wishes,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Braininvat on August 28th, 2016, 9:56 am 

Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

Guffaw!
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby BadgerJelly on August 28th, 2016, 11:05 am 

I still find the toilets the funniest XD
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on September 9th, 2016, 4:24 am 

Hi folks,

Well it's September and starting to cool down a bit.. finally. Anyway, it's that time of the month again for me to select the best I could find on Facebook this month.

I picked the Theme "Trying to Fit in". Enjoy..

UndercoverBird.jpg
Goose.. trying to fit in.

Chicken.jpg
Chick.. trying to fit in.

UnderCover.jpg
Dogs.. trying to fit in.

jaws1.jpg
Baby.. trying to fit in.

I know.. that last one was a stretch...lol.

Best wishes for now,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby doogles on September 13th, 2016, 6:58 pm 

Mother Superior called all the nuns to Assembly.

When they were all settled she announced -

"We have a case of gonorrhoea in the Convent!"


"Thank God", shouted an elderly nun from the back, "I'm getting thoroughly sick of Chardonnay".
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on September 19th, 2016, 11:56 pm 

Hi everyone.. I've been working from home the last 3 months.. no long commutes.. no freeway issues. That's over for awhile, I'm back to going to/from work. I was getting really spoiled. Eat when I want, sleep when I want, work when I want... back to the rat race now.

I'm heading home shortly (90 minute drive if I'm lucky). Needing to lift my spirits a bit, I checked Facebook for some humor and found the following. Thought I'd share, if you need a quick Pick-Me-Up too.

Enjoy..

VacuumCleaner.jpg

Lava.jpg

Waste.jpg

HotLanding.jpg

Best wishes one and all...
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Braininvat on September 28th, 2016, 12:34 pm 

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby BioWizard on September 28th, 2016, 12:42 pm 

Haha nicely done
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby BadgerJelly on October 6th, 2016, 3:58 am 

There are some damn funny questions on Quora

"Can fish be afraid of water?"

I was nearly crying! To be fair there are some very stupid yet interesting thoughts behind these childish questions. Still worth laughing at them though.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on October 11th, 2016, 10:50 pm 

Hi all,

Getting well into October but no Halloween Humor yet. I judge an image by whether it prompts a smile or a Guffaw. I made a noise with these. Anyway.. these images from Facebook should demonstrate why we are Doomed as a species:

Cemetery.jpg
Breaking News....

Bench.jpg
Chicken or the Egg?

Ramp.jpg
Sorry... budget cuts...

FixingAir.jpg
John.. hand me some pliers?

Until next month..

Best wishes,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby hyksos on October 15th, 2016, 6:00 pm 

Urg_circle_theory.png
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby hyksos on October 15th, 2016, 6:30 pm 

Every. f%^$ing. time.

v2m3pvwzunrx.png
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby ronjanec on October 15th, 2016, 6:35 pm 

hyksos » Sat Oct 15, 2016 4:00 pm wrote:
Urg_circle_theory.png


That's almost certainly not how the wheel was invented...just sayin.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby doogles on November 19th, 2016, 4:03 am 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on November 20th, 2016, 3:10 am 

Good one doogles,

Well.. here is this Months best from Facebook. Not real gut busters but still quite funny.

Protection.jpg

HorseSense.jpg

Diet.jpg

FartFilter.jpg

Best wishes all, see you next month.
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby doogles on November 24th, 2016, 5:43 pm 

How to maintain a healthy level of insanity in retirement...

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down!
2. Order a diet water when you go out to eat.
3. Sing along at the Opera.
4. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
5. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, "Run for Your lives! They're loose!"
6. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we’re going to have to let one of you go...."
7. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
8. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby doogles on December 5th, 2016, 3:25 am 

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beard's gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers....“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby BadgerJelly on December 5th, 2016, 12:57 pm 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=W0uedwAxbSE

Trump is the new Noah! XD hahaa!!
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Braininvat on December 5th, 2016, 1:15 pm 

"I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it...."

Funny! Other classic titles that crossed my mind were "Fahrenheit 451" and "The Wind that Shakes the Barley."
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby doogles on December 16th, 2016, 10:06 pm 

> A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
> noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
> hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
> The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
> The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
> The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
> 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
> ''Thanks,' the girl replied.
> The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to
> her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
> 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
> to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
> collar, I think you could go faster. '
> The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then
> I wouldn't have a siren.'
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby NoShips on December 16th, 2016, 10:27 pm 

Stole this one from Facebook:

DRINK DRIVING
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the police on our way home from the various social activities over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many pints and then topped it off with a couple of jaegerbombs and gin and tonics, Not a good idea.Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before ... I took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock, but because it was a bus they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. As I have never driven a bus before and I am not sure where I got it from!!!
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on December 23rd, 2016, 8:51 pm 

Hi Everyone,

Weird.. the only seasonal humor I found was too obscene to repost..lol.

So.. My last contribution for this thread for this year from Facebook:

Lincoln.jpg

NoChew.jpg

HappyBaby.jpg

Compliment.jpg

Happy Holidays and have a great New Year.
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on January 7th, 2017, 4:56 pm 

Hi Folks,

Since I haven't posted an actual joke here in a long time, then here is my first offereing for 2017:

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!

Best wishes for this New Year..
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Braininvat on January 7th, 2017, 6:30 pm 

Are you familiar with the Net acronym PIMP? That was PIMP funny!

Whew.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Mjr Houlihan on January 14th, 2017, 6:04 pm 

FAKE NEWS ALERT- INAUGRAL SONG LIST 2017

Happy Inauguration to all, on what will be a very, very elegant day with songs especially chosen to include my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!

PERFORMERS :

Republican Youth choir will be singing the welcome song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl3u93Wgt2A

The Presidents Own Band will be doing covers of the following tracks to avoid paying royalties because I'm smart:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqLRqzTp6Rk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqtehtSB0LI

Republican choirs abroad will be doing covers of the following: –

Spring-time in Europe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmYIo7bcUw

Dedicated to my many enemies in Cuba - love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QO4aegj-jA
http://lyricstranslate.com/en/guantanam ... era.html-5

Dedicated to my many enemies in Iran - love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SCOw7vbB5w

Dedicated to my many enemies in Mexico in particular Vicente Fox Quesada because I love your tears so much - sad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-5M1_DKvb0

Fanfare for the common man - Dedicated to God for making me the greatest jobs president ever
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA3Royf9_zM

Dedicated to all immigrants soon to be in Prison - love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRyDlVOE86U

Dedicated to my predecessor and all those that are soon to be without his health care - love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAzSvhioo34

Dedicated to all you hipster leftist environmentalist bee lovers and Dakota kids – love you too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W25_jgiY51I
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1DuX8GvLzI

Dedicated to my many Catholic enemies in particular the Bishops - Love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M

National anthem dedicated to myself and all those that voted for me - love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29Mg6Gfh9Co
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