Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

[doogles]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[doogles]

I got so drunk last night that when I crossed the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance contest.

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi Guys, hope all is well in your respective worlds.

Well, here is this months gathering of posted humor on Facebook.. a bit more cerebral than my usual fare..lol.

Catch everyone next month..

Best wishes..
Dave :^)

[Watson]

Hi Dave,
Your comics come to me as .jpg to be down loaded. Also the others that I did see before Day of the Idiot now are .jpg as well. So much for better. More like plant ads, and see if they grow money. I hope his crop fails.

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi Watson..

Really? Everything looks perfectly normal to me. I wonder how many others are having a problem?

Anyway, glad to see you are still kicking and hope all is well in your world.

Best Regards,
Dave :^)

[Paradox]

Is it about time to update your picture Dave, Aren't you bald on top now?

[hyksos]

[BadgerJelly]

A bit of slam poetry: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cxGWGohIXiw

[toucana]

[dandelion]

^ lol :)

[Event Horizon]

What is the difference between a police cruiser and a hedgehog?

With a hedgehog, all the pricks are on the outside!


A cop stopped me for drink driving. He said "Have you been drinking sir?" I said I drunk a whole bottle of bourbon. He said you have to take a breathalyzer test. I said, You guys never believe me..!

[TheVat]

Cop pulls my car over, says: Sir, you are legally drunk.

I reply: if I'm legally drunk then what's the problem?

[BadgerJelly]

Rowan Atkinson:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ppVpdsClN80

[doogles]

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[TheVat]

I don't know where you get your jokes, Doogles, but I'm starting to think Oz has an amazing reserve of jokes that haven't fully permeated my quarter of the globe. Wow. That was excellent.

[doogles]

Thanks for the comment Braininvat. I don't think it's that Aussie jokes are any better or worse than elsewhere. They just turn up in my emails occasionally and if I think they have enough appeal, I just share them. There seems to be a degree of randomness about the material that crosses our paths in life.

One bit of material that crossed my path recently (not a joke, but a fact) was the story of the 'Birdman of the Coorong'. I can't believe that South Australia has had only one official Bushranger, and it was this bloke. My son was camped overnight in a little outback Queensland town one night when he heard about him from a local. What I'm finding hard to get my head around is how I came to be 86 years old before I heard about this bizarre character. Whatever the answer is to the odds of jokes coming our way, applies in the case of my hearing about 'The Birdman of the Coorong' so late in life.

There are a number of reports, but this one seems most comprehensive - http://www.meningie.com.au/media/Birdma ... e%20A3.pdf .

[toucana]

THEY LIKE ME A LOT IN THE UK

[TheVat]

I think there's also a Donald Trump condom, for those who like to come into money.

[toucana]

In the interests of political neutrality, here's a bi-partisan condom offering.

[doogles]

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford another bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children .....The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … ? "
at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Queensland.

[BadgerJelly]

Serious and seriously funny!

Decided to look at her work rather than listen to talk on youtube:

This Land is Mine by Nina Paley
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4pKMV6e5kEo

[TheVat]

LMFAO. Am a huge fan of Sita Sings the Blues.

[toucana]

(It's actually a re-captioned clip from Austrian TV of a female presenter cracking up over a story about the fading traditional skill of 'Egg Scratching').

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi Everyone,

Found a few on Facebook this month to share with you all:

Hope everyone is enjoying the debacle in our White House...

That reminds me of a joke:

So.. John died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall filled with clocks.

John Asked, "What are those clocks for?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Detection clocks and there is one for every human on Earth. Each time someone lies.. the hands on their clock increments by one."

"Oh," said John, "whose clock is that one?"

"That one is for Mother Teresa. The hands have never moved.. indicating she has never lied."

"And that one?", asked John.

"That one is for Abraham Lincoln. The hands have moved twice indicating that Abe has only told two lies in his entire life."

John looked around a bit and then asked to see Trump's clock.

St. Peter responded that, "His clock is in the Front Office. They are using it for a Ceiling Fan."

Best wishes,
Dave :^)

[TheVat]

Heh.


https://politics.theonion.com/mueller-reveals-russia-investigation-just-elaborate-sti-1827696431

[doogles]

WHEN YOU'RE 70

I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night, minding my own business.
This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"
I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"
She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".
I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're seventy...............who cares?
...................................................................................................................................
I went to the chemist and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."
When you're seventy.............who cares?
...............................................................................................................................
I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're seventy..............who cares?
...........................................................................................................................
I went to our RSL last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me another 6 more stitches, but...
When you're seventy..............who cares?

[doogles]

[BadgerJelly]

You’re

Grammar Nazi - Mitchell and Webb:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=u96yOj3iz4I

[TheVat]

If you do this math problem, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie. No kidding!

It really works! It will take you about ten seconds and, amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie.

Do not cheat. Do your math, then compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom. You will be amazed at how scary true and accurate this test is.

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below.

.
.
.

Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Trump Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

[davidm]

I'm stunned and speechless. :-0

It actually worked! It yielded No. 9 for me.