Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby NeoTheseus on November 8th, 2012, 11:17 pm 

I've got one more & I promise I'll quit. I'll start by explaining that there are some Christians that believe in the "End Times" when Christ returns that all living Christians will be "Raptured" or taken away to a safe place to avoid the judgments of the Book of Revelations.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the "Rapture" & ask her class, "Ok children, when Jesus comes back & we go to Heaven with Him, what part of the body will go up to Heaven first?"

Little Suzie answered first, "Oh teacher, I know. It's your hands because you raise holy hands unto the Lord!"

The teacher responded, "Good answer Suzie. Anyone else have any ideas of what body part goes to Heaven first?"

Little Peggie says, "Oh teacher, I know. It's your heart because your heart is the closest to God."

The teacher responded, "Good answer Peggie. Anyone else have any ideas of what body part goes to Heaven first?"

Little Johnie said, Oh teacher I know. It's your feet!"

Teacher: "Your feet? Why do you say your feet?"

Johnnie: "...because I was looking through the key hole at my sister & her boyfriend & she had her feet up in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"" (Maybe the last word is a typo!)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on November 8th, 2012, 11:29 pm 

Hi all,

John came into the kitchen and noticed his wife was busy preparing breakfast. She only had on her "T" shirt that she always slept in. She suddenly turned to John and demanded he make love to her at that very moment. Not one to pass up an opportunity, he threw her on the kitchen table and made mad passionate love to her.

When he finished, they got up off the table and she went back to making breakfast. Curious, he asked her what had brought on this sudden moment of passion. She answered that her Egg-Timer was busted.

Best wishes,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on November 20th, 2012, 6:49 pm 

Been awhile..

One day John dropped in to visit his friend Tom, who owned an Adult Toy Shop. Tom asked John to mind the store while he ran across the street to the Bank. Asked what to do if a customer showed up, John was told to sell anything he chose and could barter as low as 50% off on any Adult Toys. Tom took off to the Bank leaving John in charge.

Shortly, 3 ladies walked in and began looking over the products on display. The short lady asked about the price on a small Silver Dildo. John said it was normally $50 but she could have it for $35. So she promptly bought the Silver Bullet. The tall woman asked next about the Black Dildo. John said it was normally $100 but she could have it for $75. She also promptly produce the cash and the sale was closed for the Black Mamba. Then the heavy lady asked about a huge Plaid colored Dildo. John said the Scottish UrberDong was normally $200 but she could have it for $150. She bought it and the three ladies left the store as happy customers.

About that time Tom returned from the Bank and asked how things went. John replied that he had sold a Silver Bullet for $35 and a Black Mamba for $75. "Great!" answered Tom. "Oh", said John, "I also got $150 for your Thermos."

Have a Happy Thanksgiving for those that celebrate such.
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on November 21st, 2012, 8:17 pm 

Here's an amusing video titled "Road Rage Karma".

http://youtu.be/pexIwT39m5Q
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on November 29th, 2012, 9:22 am 

I thought this was funny:
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Watson on December 4th, 2012, 3:12 pm 

Not mine but thought it would fit here nicely.

Two baseball fans promise each other that whichever of them dies first will come back and tell the other if there is baseball in heaven. One day one of them dies of an accident and comes back in a dream telling his buddy that he has a good news and a bad news. He tells his friend: "The good news is: yes, there is baseball in heaven, the bad news is that you are pitching on Sunday".
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on December 7th, 2012, 8:51 am 

An old man in Winnipeg calls up his son in Toronto and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other...any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Vancouver and tell her," and he hangs up.


Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Watson on December 8th, 2012, 2:13 pm 

And the brother calls his sister back and says, "Hey sis, Don't forget your heavy parka and boots. Those skeeters, will get right through the leather coats."
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on December 16th, 2012, 10:21 pm 

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on December 18th, 2012, 9:34 am 

I found this funny!
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Marshall on December 19th, 2012, 1:15 am 

weakmagneto wrote:I thought this was funny:

REALLY BAD ANALOGIES WRITTEN BY HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS
...
...


Yeah. Thanks for posting them. I handn't seen them before and found myself laughing out loud at some, and looking back at the list, so I decided to get a PDF version. That way one can make them more legible with larger font. .


Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.


I especially liked the ones about John and Mary, her deep throaty laugh, and the person's limited vocabulary
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on December 19th, 2012, 11:41 am 

I would like to share a personal experience with my family & closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social event over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Have a happy and safe Christmas Season. :)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on December 19th, 2012, 3:28 pm 

Funny one weakmagneto, got to remember that one.

I came across a number of thoughts on the net that I decided to share with you all for the Holidays:

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Happy Holidays folks,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on January 2nd, 2013, 10:21 am 

Happy New Year! As for my resolutions, please see related cartoon below!
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on January 20th, 2013, 9:47 am 

I had the best morning chuckle ever while watching this. Beware of bear!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eryxAcsTcOA
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on January 23rd, 2013, 8:44 pm 

Hi all,
Got this via email today.. enjoy.

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.

SOME OF HIS SAYINGS:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories when arguing with a woman. And neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, then stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest that have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience where a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. But not me.. I want people to know 'why' I look this way.

4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

5. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or it leaks.

6. I don't know how I got over the hill without ever getting to the top.

7. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

8. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

9. Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

Best wishes,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on February 4th, 2013, 9:06 pm 

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a huge praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they could onlyimagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'."
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Gow Ganda on February 6th, 2013, 8:48 pm 

Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Gow Ganda on February 6th, 2013, 8:49 pm 

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Gow Ganda on February 6th, 2013, 8:54 pm 

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Gow Ganda on February 6th, 2013, 8:59 pm 

I dropped my laptop off a boat the other day. It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on February 12th, 2013, 4:56 pm 

Hi all,
Hope the Universe is treating everyone well.

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV.

He sipped each “cup of tea” he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his “cup of tea” and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
...
The mother watched him drink it and said: “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”

Yea, I know.. More bathroom humor..

Best wishes,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Marshall on March 14th, 2013, 10:10 pm 

I got a laugh over a string of jokes that starts around minute 1:40 here. When you get to the Samantha Bee segment they are a bit off color so I don't want to transcribe them. Listen at your own risk.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-march-7-2013/pope-and-change
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Watson on March 16th, 2013, 11:09 am 

The link is not working for me, and give a loud click and a strange icon??

So now it works, but doesn't play, I guess in this geographical location.
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Obvious Leo on March 16th, 2013, 5:54 pm 

A frog walks into a bank. His name is Kermit Jagger. He walks up to the counter and is attended to by a charming young teller who bears the name badge of Patricia Whack. He is seeking a loan of $1000 and she helps him fill out the appropriate form. She then asks the frog for some sort of security to cover the amount of the loan and from his waistcoat pocket he produces a small glass elephant which he places on the counter. "That should cover it", says Kermit, and beams his winning smile. She is somewhat confused by this unorthodox offering and asks the frog to wait while she consults her boss. She then takes the completed form and the glass elephant to the bank manager's office and asks him what she should do. The manager takes only a brief glance at the form, immediately signs it and hands it back with a nod. "It's OK" is all he said. Now she is even more confused, picks up the glass elephant, and stares in wonder at her boss. "But what is this?" she asks. The manager smiles indulgently at her and explains.

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's
A Rolling Stone"
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby weakmagneto on March 22nd, 2013, 8:12 pm 

Here is a phrase that won't be uttered at Hugh Hefner's funeral, "He's gone to a better place."
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Watson on March 22nd, 2013, 8:41 pm 

But if wrong? Can you imagine?
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Dave_Oblad on April 3rd, 2013, 8:44 pm 

Hi everyone,

I got this for Easter and thought I'd share it with you folks. Many will probably wish I hadn't...lol.

BearWipe1.jpg
BearWipe2.jpg

Hope you all had a great Easter.

Best wishes,
Dave :^)
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Obvious Leo on April 3rd, 2013, 9:09 pm 

One from my brother the mad golfer.

Two blokes head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes after work. They get to the first tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them. One of the blokes complains that the ladies will be too slow and heads off up the fairway to ask if they can play through. He gets half-way up to them and suddenly turns around and scurries back to his mate.

"What's wrong?" asks his mate "Why didn't you ask them?". "That's my wife and mistress playing together up there and I didn't dare" said the first bloke.

"No worries, I'll go" said his mate and heads off up the fairway. Same thing happens, he gets halfway to the ladies, turns around and scurries meekly back.

" Small world, isn't it?" he says to his golfing buddy.

Regards Leo
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

Postby Watson on April 4th, 2013, 10:51 am 

Thanks Dave, I chuckle very time it replays in my head. I just will not be able to look at a rabbit the same way again, ever I think.
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