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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 18th, 2018, 9:50 pm
by davidm
As don't they all. ;)

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 22nd, 2018, 5:32 am
by doogles
AN ITALIAN ALTAR BOY'S CONFESSION

ITALIAN ALTAR BOY CONFESSION




"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Dominic Savino?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 25th, 2018, 1:33 am
by doogles
Saw this in a local timber supplier's office:

"When you are DEAD,
You don't know you are DEAD.
All of the pain is felt by others.

The same thing happens when you are stupid."

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 25th, 2018, 4:22 pm
by Event Horizon
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat-mate!

Two birds stood by the highway.
One crossed, but the other was chicken!

The only thing worse than a giraffe with a sore throat is a millipede with sore feet!

Leprichaun: Hey, I can make you rich.
Tourist: How?
L: Just come in the bushes here..
T: Well, OK.
Some time later..
T: So am I rich?
L: How old are you?
T: 43
L: And you still believe in Leprechauns..

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 29th, 2018, 6:56 am
by toucana
Recalcitrant speaker-phones, complicated flags to colour in - it's been a tough week for #45.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRV7NbZ8SXA

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 4:13 am
by Reg_Prescott
How do you think the unthinkable?

You ram it into an itheberg.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 11:10 am
by BadgerJelly
Reg_Prescott » August 30th, 2018, 4:13 pm wrote:How do you think the unthinkable?

You ram it into an itheberg.


This joke doesn’t work unless you make a comment about lisps.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 11:39 am
by Braininvat
It works fine. I got it right away.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 11:40 am
by Reg_Prescott
Braininvat » August 31st, 2018, 12:39 am wrote:It works fine. I got it right away.



Workth.

Duh

:)

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 11:44 am
by BadgerJelly
Maybe I’m just too dumb in this area.

My fav joke is ...

What is E.T. short for?
-

-

-


- Because he’s got little legs.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 12:41 pm
by Braininvat
I like that one. Oldie, but goody.

This is the joke my wife most requests....I refrain from telling:

Two guys walk into a bar.

A third guy says, "Wow, that must have hurt!"

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 12:47 pm
by Reg_Prescott
A sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Piss off. We don't serve food here."

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 30th, 2018, 1:31 pm
by BadgerJelly
Where do you weigh whales?

- At the whaleweigh station.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 31st, 2018, 7:05 am
by toucana


The 'unthinkable' revisited

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: August 31st, 2018, 3:33 pm
by Event Horizon
Have you met the Scottish gay couple yet? Ben Doon and Phil Macavity?

What is the collective name for a group of Irish hogging the bar?
A thicket. (I'm 1/2 Irish, so PC nonsense does not apply here)

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman have been in a Persian jail for 40 years. On the anniversary the guard took pity and gave them a lamp. They were cleaning it when a Genie suddenly appeared.
"Ah." Says the Genie you can have one wish each seeing as there's three of you.
The Scotsman spoke first. I wanna be at home with a pretty nymphomaniac. He promptly vanishes.
The Englishman says, "I'd like a big mansion and more money than I can ever spend. He too vanishes.
The Irishman said, "Come back later,I can't decide"
A few days later the Genie came back.
The Irishman said, "Thank God you came back. I'm so lonely. I wish my mates were here"!

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: September 13th, 2018, 7:12 am
by toucana
NWS.jpg

I don't think this was Photoshopped either.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: September 13th, 2018, 9:47 am
by Braininvat
Florence may be needing a more masculine name...

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: September 17th, 2018, 3:03 pm
by Braininvat
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/opi ... d51eff0220

Petri dishes out some mordant humor.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: September 19th, 2018, 1:32 pm
by toucana
cathay-pacific.jpg
You had one job !

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: September 19th, 2018, 10:42 pm
by doogles
A woman walks into a welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
'Wow,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"


'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having
Heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, 'sit down Billy.' All the children rush to find seats.


"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here
To sign up. I'll need all your children's names."


"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Billy
And the girls are all named Billie."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'are you serious?
They're all named Billy?'


Their mamma replied, 'Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it's
Time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Billy!
And when it's time for dinner, I just yell Billy! And they all
Come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running
Into the street, I just yell Billy and all of them stop. It's
The smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Billy.'


The case worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
Forehead and says tentatively, 'but what if you just want
One kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: September 29th, 2018, 6:41 pm
by Braininvat

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: September 29th, 2018, 7:18 pm
by doogles
Good one BiV! I think it could be extended into a book.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: October 9th, 2018, 6:23 pm
by hyksos
Truth in advertising.
49kplsspvjq11.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: October 9th, 2018, 7:32 pm
by toucana
Dr_Who.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: October 20th, 2018, 3:59 am
by toucana
Toronto_ML.jpg

The Toronto Maple Leafs haven't won the Stanley Cup since 1967, and aren't likely to do so in the next 50 years either, but their long-suffering fans will at least be able to munch Doritos and have a laugh about it.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: October 31st, 2018, 1:55 pm
by Braininvat

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: November 1st, 2018, 3:00 am
by BadgerJelly
Braininvat » November 1st, 2018, 1:55 am wrote:https://local.theonion.com/man-exhausted-after-having-to-explain-halloween-costume-1830127291


That is one awesome site! Love this one: https://local.theonion.com/man-doesn-t-get-why-people-waste-money-on-therapist-whe-1830077292

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: November 1st, 2018, 11:43 am
by Braininvat
I surf through there a couple times a month. I can remember when it was just a small tabloid-format newspaper that circulated only in my part of the US.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: November 3rd, 2018, 5:57 pm
by doogles
Some of these may be 'oldies', but they're worth a repeat.

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK: "Blind man driving."

SIGN OVER A GYNAECOLOGIST'S OFFICE: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

IN A PODIATRIST'S OFFICE: "Time wounds all heels."

ON A SEPTIC TANK TRUCK: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

AT AN OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE: “If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."

ON A PLUMBER'S TRUCK: “We repair what your husband fixed."

ON ANOTHER PLUMBER'S TRUCK: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

AT A TIRE SHOP IN MILWAUKEE: “Invite us to your next blowout."

ON AN ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK: "Let us remove your shorts"

IN A NON SMOKING AREA: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

ON A MATERNITY ROOM DOOR: "Push. Push. Push."

AT A CAR DEALERSHIP: “The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

OUTSIDE A MUFFLER SHOP: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming"

IN A VETERINARIAN'S WAITING ROOM: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

IN A RESTAURANT WINDOW: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

IN THE FRONT YARD OF A FUNERAL HOME: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

AT A PROPANE FILLING STATION: "Thank Heaven for little grills."

IN A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: “Best place in town to take a leak."

AND THE BEST ONE FOR LAST...;
SIGN ON THE BACK OF An ANOTHER SEPTIC TANK TRUCK: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: November 12th, 2018, 8:16 pm
by doogles
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, (Aussie Style).
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Blue,
We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back within an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls;
they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer
took part, but it was hard to tell them apart with all the blood about. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Cheers,
Wacka