Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

[toucana]

[doogles]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES


1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS .

[TheVat]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/opi ... 4e49bdb767

[TheVat]

https://outabouter.com/2018/11/22/all-g ... 2YxUwHcL44

[hyksos]

[doogles]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Swiss and a South African, went into a nightclub. The bouncer says,






Wait for it! Scroll down….





















"I can't let you in without a Thai"

[Dave_Oblad]

Hello Everyone,

Been awhile since I posted some humor, but seeing as it's the end of the year, thought I'd squeeze one in. Usually garnered from Facebook but this time got said material from YouTube... Enjoy...

The subject this round is "Astronomy":

That's it for now, hope everyone is having a great Holiday. See you all next year...

Best Wishes,
Dave :^)

[doogles]

*Tyrone was having trouble in school. His teacher was always
yelling at him,*

*"You're driving me crazy, Tyrone, can’t you learn anything!!?*

*One day Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he
was doing.*

*The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a
disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never
seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.*

*The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew
her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to
Cleveland.*

*25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with
an almost incurable cardiac disease.*

*All the doctors strongly advised her to have
open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at
the Cleveland Clinic could perform.*

*Left with no other options, the teacher decided
to have the operation, which was remarkably
successful.*

*When she opened her eyes after the surgery she
saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. *

*She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.*

*Her face started to turn blue, she raised her
hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.*

*The doctor was shocked, wondering what went
wrong so suddenly.*

*Then he turned around and saw our friend
Tyrone, now a janitor in the Clinic, who had
unplugged the life-support equipment in order to
connect his vacuum cleaner.*

*Bet you thought Tyrone had become a
heart-surgeon,

[TheVat]

https://www.abebooks.com/books/weird/?c ... g&abersp=1

For some reason, I am intrigued there's a book called Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America.

[doogles]

A rare and amazing collection! Thanks Vat. I'll keep that one in my Favourites.

[doogles]

A couple went to a therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I help you with”
The man said, “Will you watch us have s*x?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have s*x,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have s*x with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?” “We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied.”She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.
We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare

[doogles]

God's Plan for Aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are, walking from room to room more, getting up and down more, getting excited more, deep breathing more, remember -----it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you continually mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted .
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

[A_Seagull]

My favourite 'walks into a bar ' joke...

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So the barman gave her one.

[toucana]

[BadgerJelly]

https://www.abebooks.com/books/weird/?cm_mmc=nl-_-nl-_-C190112-RNC-weirdbAWTRADE-_-b2img&abersp=1

For some reason, I am intrigued there's a book called Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America.

50 Sad Chairs ... nice title!

[doogles]

Two women were fighting over the last seat on the bus.

The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor "Let the ugly one have the seat."

Both women stood for the rest of the trip.

[charon]

Cop to hillbilly: Got any ID?
Hillbilly: 'Bout what?

[doogles]

10 Best Caddy replies:

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment-- Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[doogles]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.


The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no
paper on this side either!"

[doogles]

[PaulN]

https://editor.currentaffairs.org/2019/ ... uff-piece/

[Serpent]

That's not funny! That's terrifying.

[TheVat]

It is sorta funny that anyone takes Beto seriously. The guy couldn't beat Ted Cruz, possibly the most disliked man in the U.S. Senate, and as the article points out is a complete triumph of style over substance.


...

Family. America. Mountains. Home. The Flag. Books. Truck. Cowboy. Faithful Dog. Remember that elections are decisions about how government power will be used in ways that will either help or hurt a lot of people. What do these photos tell us about any of that? It’s no different from a car commercial encouraging you to buy a Chevy because you’ve seen it with attractive people on a mountaintop.

I've pretty much vowed to never buy a make of car that a helicopter has lowered onto a butte or otherwise inaccessible lump of land. Or, after my experiences with a Chevy S10, anything from Chevy.

[Serpent]

It is sorta funny that anyone takes Beto seriously.

Let's hope this one doesn't come around behind to bite you.
Who, in 2015, took ..... or still can take.... you know... seriously?
Somehow that doesn't make him/it less terrifying.

[PaulN]

[PaulN]

I'd love to hear the tape of the "President Carter" interview....

http://hoaxes.org/af_database/display/category/politics

Fun look at history of April Fool hoaxes.

[PaulN]

If this were a TWILIGHT ZONE episode, Kirstjen Nielsen would wake up in a small cage with Latin American children on the outside watching her.

- Harold Itzkowitz

[charon]

Have we had this yet? It's not that funny but it's quite clever.

[TheVat]

[TheVat]

Have we had this yet? It's not that funny but it's quite clever.

Possibly, but MPFC sketches often bear repeating.