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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: April 18th, 2019, 9:15 pm
by PaulN
< groan >

(had to say it aloud in my head, to get that one)

What happened to the optician who backed into his lens grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: April 19th, 2019, 7:40 am
by charon
Talking about pies...

A guy wanders past a pub and sees a notice in the window: 'A pint, a pie, and a friendly word - £1'.

Well, he thinks, that's cheap, so he goes in. It's a miserable, run-down place, gloomy and empty, but he orders his pint and pie. Eventually the bartender brings them over, puts them down, and walks away.

'Hey' says the the guy, 'thanks for that but where's my friendly word?'

The barman looks at him, smiles sweetly, and says 'Don't eat the pie'.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: April 22nd, 2019, 2:24 am
by doogles
TALKING TO DEAF EARS.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: April 28th, 2019, 8:10 pm
by doogles
DIGITAL PILOT JOKE.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 4th, 2019, 5:54 am
by doogles
Apologies in advance for any perceived connections with the 'other' wall. This is Canada's response to differences of migration policy with the USA. The Canadian Government was inspired by discussions they studied in the SPCF.

ISE WALL FOR CANADA.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 21st, 2019, 6:20 pm
by doogles
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be a politician”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 26th, 2019, 8:25 pm
by TheVat

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 27th, 2019, 6:58 pm
by doogles
wife do,inance.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 27th, 2019, 8:36 pm
by doogles
political promise.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 4th, 2019, 5:31 am
by doogles
FACEBOOK FRIENDS.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 5th, 2019, 7:02 pm
by doogles
diet faddists.jpg

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 16th, 2019, 1:24 am
by doogles
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!


'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replied.

Wait for it ..... ...



It's coming ...... ...



The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


She said .... ......


'You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye.'

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 16th, 2019, 10:40 pm
by ronjanec
Doogles, I really loved your jokes here: especially the one about the two Vegans, and the other one about the guy with 2000 Facebook friends, where it looks like none of his “friends” showed up at his wake. :)

Re: Herring Aid

PostPosted: June 18th, 2019, 1:15 am
by Faradave
doogles wrote:...there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.


You got me on that one.

I knew there must be something fishy going on in this story,
but I must admit I was completely distracted by the red hairing!

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 19th, 2019, 8:11 pm
by doogles
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday …………..but I fish on Fridays.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 20th, 2019, 11:16 am
by charon
Gangster walks into a funeral parlour. "You do funerals?"

"We do, sir. May I ask the name of the deceased?"

"Fingers Malone."

"Thank you, sir. And the date of death?"

"Day after tomorrow."

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 20th, 2019, 4:18 pm
by BadgerJelly
charon » June 20th, 2019, 11:16 pm wrote:Gangster walks into a funeral parlour. "You do funerals?"

"We do, sir. May I ask the name of the deceased?"

"Fingers Malone."

"Thank you, sir. And the date of death?"

"Day after tomorrow."


Some people said humour was already dead. You just proved them wrong by killing it!

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 21st, 2019, 2:48 am
by charon
In that case we should make sure it really is dead and not pretending :-)

Man goes to the doctor's.

'Hello, Mr. Smith, we haven't seen you for a long time'.

'I know, I've been ill'.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 21st, 2019, 7:40 am
by Reg_Prescott
Why did the penguin back out of the wedding?

He got cold feet.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 24th, 2019, 6:13 pm
by doogles
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 28th, 2019, 6:12 pm
by charon
Asked my North Korean friend what it was like living there.

He said he can't complain.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 28th, 2019, 9:36 pm
by TheVat
Kim Jong-un doesn't understand we already have an unstable peninsula that will take down America -- Florida.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 1st, 2019, 6:03 pm
by doogles
This one may have done the rounds before. It's hard to keep track of such things.

CALL THE POLICE - WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 13th, 2019, 6:44 pm
by doogles
♦ I read that 1,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 13th, 2019, 9:15 pm
by TheVat
Why is it so hard for kleptomaniacs to understand puns?

Because they take things literally.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 14th, 2019, 2:09 pm
by Lux Aeterna
I got very lonely lately, so I bought some shares.

It's much nicer having some company.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 16th, 2019, 11:37 am
by BadgerJelly
Blind people taste better than sighted people in the dark. Generally speaking this is because specialist cookbooks aren’t printed in braille.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 19th, 2019, 12:32 pm
by charon
I used to work for a soft drink company crushing cans.

It was soda pressing.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 19th, 2019, 8:49 pm
by TheVat
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 20th, 2019, 10:01 am
by TheVat
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