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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 21st, 2020, 2:48 am
by doogles
I like it TheVat. I would also like to see the last phrase used more often after prohibition signs of all kinds.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 21st, 2020, 4:15 pm
by charon
Ditto, good one, Vat. No like buttons on this thread, then :-)

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 22nd, 2020, 5:55 pm
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 27th, 2020, 8:11 pm
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: May 30th, 2020, 4:50 pm
by doogles
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

BOAT OWNER: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 2nd, 2020, 3:40 pm
by TheVat
You know I think it's a little rough and kind of not fair to be comparing our President to Adolf Hitler. Trump, after all, lost a relative in a concentration camp.
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He fell off the guard tower.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 4th, 2020, 3:12 am
by doogles
A BANK LOAN TO A SCOTSMAN
A Scotsman (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.
He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements, but that he should understand that since
he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.
So the Scotsman opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand new Ferrari parked in front of the bank and hands them to the manager
saying "Will this do?" He also produces the car's log book and after a phone call everything checks out fine. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out £5,000 while bank's porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.
Over lunch manager tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple minded Scot from North of the Border secured a loan for £5,000 offering a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.
Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are just a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000 from us?"
The Scotsman replies:
"Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two
weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"

Aaah - those canny Scots!

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 5th, 2020, 5:25 pm
by TheVat

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 6th, 2020, 9:54 am
by hyksos
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 11th, 2020, 3:21 am
by doogles
SUBJECT: HOW A LAWYER OUT-SMARTED A PSYCHOLOGIST
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 13th, 2020, 8:48 pm
by TheVat

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 15th, 2020, 4:39 pm
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 17th, 2020, 3:39 am
by doogles
Guy feeling terrible and goes to the doctor.
The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320
Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!’

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I’ll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 18th, 2020, 3:37 pm
by TheVat
JUST BECAUSE THEY’VE TURNED AGAINST HUMANITY DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULD DEFUND THE TERMINATOR PROGRAM

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/jus ... or-program

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 19th, 2020, 4:03 am
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 22nd, 2020, 6:49 am
by toucana
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 23rd, 2020, 5:42 pm
by doogles
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement
was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right.

The agent asked "How many children do you have?

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered

“They're in the cemetery with their mother."

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: June 30th, 2020, 4:38 pm
by doogles
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Please not that the wonderful Irish find jokes such as this humorous, and not racist.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 1st, 2020, 7:10 pm
by TheVat
https://youtu.be/eUBAAeuBpPQ

Warning: political content.

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 2nd, 2020, 12:16 am
by hyksos
spunow.

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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 4th, 2020, 5:13 pm
by doogles
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:
"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 5th, 2020, 4:09 pm
by TheVat
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 6th, 2020, 1:19 am
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 8th, 2020, 5:03 am
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 11th, 2020, 5:45 pm
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 11th, 2020, 5:50 pm
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 11th, 2020, 8:39 pm
by TheVat
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 11th, 2020, 10:17 pm
by Dave_C
Nice! Love these. I send them to all my email buddies so keep 'em coming! :)

Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 12th, 2020, 4:31 pm
by doogles
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Re: Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

PostPosted: July 12th, 2020, 10:22 pm
by TheVat
If the slaves were your great-grandparents, and the monuments were statues of notorious slave owners, slave traders, and champions of the right to own slaves, erected in your town square by racists who were forming chapters of the KKK at the time, you might find that analogy a wee bit specious.

Sometimes joke construction works better when you know the history of the country your joke is pointed at.