Haiku Game

[violet]

Through black and beyond
the tree on the bare snowfield,
a light lace carpet.



(Who's next?)

[Marshall]

the way I see it, a light snow--especially after a patchy thaw and refreezing---can look like a thin lace coverlet spread out on flattened grass. So that's OK.
And probably it is at night and you are in the shadow of trees so you are looking *through black* because you are in darkness.

But there is some dim source of light like the moon, reflecting off the lacy snow on the open meadow, out beyond the tree. You don't have the moonlight where you are, but you see it out on the bare snowfield. OK, that is pretty!

[violet]

Envision this -- the sunlight sifting through the black tree branches and the light spaces between the shadows on the snow.

Try this revision:

Through black fir branches,
the sun on the bare snowfield,
a light lace carpet.

Better?

Let's play a haiku game. You take the last line of mine and make one. Then I take the last line of yours, to form a chain. Your turn.

[Marshall]

I can't do it. I think I understand the game and it sounds delightful (for someone who can improvise haiku)

The form is 5-7-5 syllables. So your last line, which is "a light lace carpet", could serve as the first line of a new haiku.

If it was natural to me to think up haiku, I could make up a new one:

A light lace carpet,
-X- -X- -X- -X- -X- -X- -X-
-X- -X- -X- -X- -X-

All I would have to do is fill in a syllable for each symbol -X-

Well, like this, for instance.

A light lace carpet:
Please step deliberately!
Rash moves will ruin it.


But that doesn't sound to me like a haiku. Actually I am not sure how one should sound. I don't normally write original poems. I simply have a hearty appetite for rhymed verse---enjoy it a lot, but don't make it up myself.

BTW I like your "black fir" revision. It's clear now. A delicate image neatly wrapped in 3 lines.

[violet]

I can't do it. I think I understand the game and it sounds delightful (for someone who can improvise haiku)

The form is 5-7-5 syllables. So your last line, which is "a light lace carpet", could serve as the first line of a new haiku.

If it was natural to me to think up haiku, I could make up a new one:

A light lace carpet,
-X- -X- -X- -X- -X- -X- -X-
-X- -X- -X- -X- -X-

All I would have to do is fill in a syllable for each symbol -X-

Well, like this, for instance.

A light lace carpet:
Please step deliberately!
Rash moves will ruin it.


But that doesn't sound to me like a haiku. Actually I am not sure how one should sound. I don't normally write original poems. I simply have a hearty appetite for rhymed verse---enjoy it a lot, but don't make it up myself.

BTW I like your "black fir" revision. It's clear now. A delicate image neatly wrapped in 3 lines.

Marshal, you have to start somewhere. Nobody is a perfect poet from day one. Anyway, I like your haiku, and I do see that you need to be more careful counting syllables. Anyway, here goes.

Rash moves ruin it,
The pond with waterlilies
Soaking up the moon.

[mtbturtle]

Anyway, here goes.

Rash moves ruin it,
The pond with waterlilies
Soaking up the moon.

Soaking up the moon
Turtles ripple root and stone
Gingerly downward

[violet]

Anyway, here goes.

Rash moves ruin it,
The pond with waterlilies
Soaking up the moon.

Soaking up the moon
Turtles ripple root and stone
Gingerly downward

Beautiful!


Gingerly downward,
Tumbleweeds on stones of chance
Land with a whisper.

[mtbturtle]

[Gingerly downward,
Tumbleweeds on stones of chance
Land with a whisper.

Poetry isn't really my thing so hopefully some others will play with this :)

Land with a whisper
See no, hear no, speak never
Trees muffle laughter

[violet]

Land with a whisper
See no, hear no, speak never
Trees muffle laughter

(You're pretty damm good at this, mbturtle. Marshal's a bit shy with poetry, but he's great for analysis. All is good.)


Trees muffle laughter
Lost in the knotholes and veins
Pressed in oakleaf-runes.

[justathought]

sorry to just jump in

Pressed in oakleaf-runes
In open book, see dry dreams
Pressure mimes the glue

[Whut]

Pressure mimes the glue
they see not what they do
it could be me, it could be you.

[violet]

sorry to just jump in

Pressed in oakleaf-runes
In open book, see dry dreams
Pressure mimes the glue

That's what you're supposed to do, just jump in and tag off like you did wonderfully here. Thanks.

Pressure mimes the glue
that sifts through the air subtle
sand snakes of the night.

[justathought]

Sand snakes of the night
With falling leaves the sweet time
time left forgotten

[violet]

Time left forgotten
sits in the icefloe shadow
stuck on Plato’s wall.

[justathought]

That was a hard on. It took a little research but was well worth the effort

stuck on Plato's wall
Enlighten Enlighten please
forced by moral rights

[violet]

Forced by moral rights
a square rose grows in a box
bound by hard steel plates.

[justathought]

Bound by hard steel plates
they trap us, keep us, hurt us
in hopes they'll protect

[mtbturtle]

in hopes they protect
after a time amidst still
wisps tangle straight

[Hendrick Laursen]

wisps tangle straight
when this silly game will end
I'd like another...

[Positor]

Quantum mechanics
counterintuitively
shows that God plays dice

[Hendrick Laursen]

Well, positor, in Haiku game, you must begin your haiku with the last sentence(verse) the player before you has used. But yours was a nice one. :)

[Marshall]

I think he just started a new round of the game, Hendrick. :^D

Quantum mechanics
counterintuitively
shows that God plays dice

The Lady rolls dice
to keep on intriguing us:
she's being playful.

[Hendrick Laursen]

she's being playful
Far from the Madding Crowd
to just cover the truth

[Hendrick Laursen]

Cover the truth so what!
Making a dirty spot?
Full in date see this shut...

By Martin Laursen.

[Marshall]

Concealing the truth
makes it more interesting,
teasing the seekers.

[Marshall]

Hendrick, the above is my answer to Martin, where he says "Cover the truth so what?"
I want to say it's wonderful the truth is sometimes hidden from us and takes all our patience and cleverness to deduce it and bring it out in the open.

Cover the truth so what!
Making a dirty spot?
Full in date see this shut...

By Martin Laursen.

Is Martin in your immediate family? Hello to him. Can I translate "full in date to see this shut" as
"High time to stop this."

"High time to X" is idiomatic for "It's clearly time for X, we should already have started X!"
High time (in this folk expression) is either the right time for X or else even a little past that, so one should proceed with X promptly.

Maybe that is what Martin's "full in date" translates to.

[TheVat]

Photons move so fast
For them, cosmos will not last
Gone in blink of eye.

[Hendrick Laursen]

Yep Marshall,
He's my dear brother actually. Well, he agrees with you. Soon he'll join the forums and then you'll be able to consult him, directly.

[Mjr Houlihan]

Gone; in blink of eye
none but a Holy star shine
everlasting light



(well, it is nearly Christmas)

[Mjr Houlihan]

Everlasting light
Bright hope from the dawn of time
On a silent night