Laughter IS the best medicine! (Jokes, Humor, Cartoons!)

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi Folks,

Well.. it's that time again to see what strange humor Facebook had to offer this month:

I really liked this one.. love to see this in real life..

Have a great month folks.. see you all in 2 months.. I'll be moving to Arizona next month and will be offline for awhile locating a new home.

Best wishes everyone,
Dave :^)

[Braininvat]

Hi, Dave. Haven't seen you around lately, but that may be because I've been avoiding the Personal Theories physics stuff. I really LOL'd at that last one, too. I wondered how your move/retirement was going. Sounds like progress being made, and I wish you well. A friend in Phoenix says to avoid Phoenix and look for a place up in the hills a ways. Not sure what you are looking for, but maybe you can post in Lounge sometime about the hunt?

[Braininvat]

http://www.popsci.com/uranus-neptune-diamond-rain

Amusing title, if you click on the linked article.

[doogles]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

[Infinite_Observer]

Have you ever heard of Pavlov?

Me: Rings a bell...

[Braininvat]

Traffic cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am!

[Infinite_Observer]

Disclaimer: The comments and opinions expressed on this post do not necessarily reflect those of the poster.

[doogles]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

[doogles]

I went to Dan Murphy’s liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle,
bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle,
the bottle would break, so I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle
seven times on the way home.

[Braininvat]

http://www.gocomics.com/robrogers/2017/10/17

The Tillerson-to-English dictionary.

[doogles]

HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Cunningham,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Cunningham, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the Auto Department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' using different sized funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was?
and last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi everyone,

Finally getting settled in my new place here in Arizona (Tucson) and just in time for some seasonal humor.

I found some much funnier stuff.. but this season is for kids.. so felt inclined to tone it down a bit.. lol.

Have a great Halloween and watch for kids..

Best wishes,
Dave :^)

[toucana]

On special offer at your local Proctometrist ?

[BadgerJelly]

toucana -

Surely that is fake??? XD HAHAAHA!!

[Braininvat]

Yes. Typographically, "rectal" is a fair ways from "retinal." Not something a proofreader at a sign-making company would overlook. Unless he's got his head up his ....

[toucana]

It is a Photoshop manipulation apparently, but it's very neatly done indeed.

[Watson]

Change the spelling, or
a B&W picture?

[toucana]

St.Martin de Porres

A newly installed statue at the Catholic Blackfriars Priory school in Adelaide Australia has been covered up with a sheet after it began to attract unwelcome attention on social media.

It depicts Saint Martin de Porres who lived in Peru in the 17th century, distributing bread to orphans.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/statue-suggestive-saint-child-adelaide-catholic-school-australia-blackfriars-priory-school-simon-a8069071.html

[Watson]

Even if it was a more appropriate size and shape of a loaf of bread, their is still something awkward about the poses of the subject. Maybe an unfortunate camera angle, but either the sculptor is not very good, or they are very good and a bit warped.

[BadgerJelly]

Methinks Mr. sculptor new precisely what he was doing! Obviously trying to send a message, but leaving himself enough ambiguity to deny all XD hahaa!

There is just no way a professional artist wouldn't see this. Their medium is about interpretation and symbolism.

[Watson]

Haha, agreed. I was leaning toward the talented with a serious warp. And he gets paid to correct it? Why not just chisel off the offending bits, like they did with David and the other naked statues?
Yes I assume it was a guy. Because it is a guy's mistake.

[doogles]

This may be an old one, but a re-run won't do any harm.



A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
' I clocked you at 80 Kilometres per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!'

The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


'Only when he's been drinking!'

[Braininvat]

Hadn't heard it, so it was new to me. Good one.

The penis-bread artist seems a bit....repressed. Some people who are very religious will suppress sexual thoughts so thoroughly that slips like that do kind of sneak up on them. I had a friend, years ago, who was brought up in a very strict religious sect, and he told me how he was taught to interact with women by viewing them "as a floating head," i.e. not looking at their body at all. Quite a feat, if that's really possible. As he wryly pointed out, even a floating head can become an erotic attraction if that's all you have to work with. Hehe.

[Dave_Oblad]

Hi Folks, not been around for awhile, still enjoying my zero-stress retirement.

I take my dog 'Tiny' to the park (Reid Park in Tucson) about every other day for a walk and mutual exercise. Great park with two large ponds, cascaded water falls and wide variety of water fowl (mostly ducks). Anyway, I walk him without a leash. He shows no interest in other dogs or people and stays within 10 feet of me at all times. I've gotten a number of complements on how well trained he is. I'm a little too prideful to point out that it's a fine line between being well trained and very insecure..lol. (true story)

Anyway, here's a bit of general humor from Facebook this month.. hope you enjoy:

Hope to return here soon and continue with real contributions but just having so much fun with this non-stressful lifestyle. Later...

Best Regards,
Dave :^)

[Braininvat]

Wondered how you were enjoying Tucson. Maybe you will run into noted author Barbara Kingsolver. I liked the Inst. of Philosophy cartoon.

Jokes about meds or vitamins that are hard to open go back all the way back to radio personality Jack Benny, who had a thing about how he needed to take vitamins for strength but was too weak to open the bottle.

[Watson]

In keeping with my recent conversion to festivisim, I find it necessary to rework some of the more traditional classics. I'm hoping T'was the Night before FESTIVUS will catch on? I was going to add a picture of my aluminum yard pole but it is to large. Both the pole and the file.

All through the house, twas the night before FESTIVUS.
Not a creature was stirring, just the cat and the rest of us.
The laundry was hung by the chimney with care.
On a line from the fire, attached to the stair.
The children were farmed out to the grand-parents beds
Where FESTIVUS fairies danced in their heads.
Mama with the ketchup and me with the fries,
We settled in by the fire while everything dries.
When out by the lawn pole, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang up from the fire to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a spark,
Tore open the window and peered through the dark.
When what to my curious eyes should appear?
My two griping neighbors, riding John Deere.
With both these fellows not moving to quick,
I thought shots of Wild Turkey might do the trick.
More rapid than beagles attacking their dinner,
They whistled and shouted and called out the sinner.
Stop Dashing, Stop Dancing, Stop prancing around,
Stop commenting, Stop kissing, Stop making a sound.
And quick as it started, all griping soon ended,
Last shots of vodka, with both elbows bended.
Two men in their PJ's, and both sporting plaid.
Grateful for FESTIVUS, least the one they just had.
Now laying a finger and finding his nose,
to their feet, very slowly, both of them rose.
From the tractor start line, they left with a beep.
Racing off in the darkness, to home and to sleep.
But I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight,
FESTIVUS for the rest of us, to all others Good Night.

[doogles]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly
showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?', one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong, it's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is,' replied the drunk.
'How does it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the
gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment....

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

'You ARSEHOLE! It's 3:15
in the MORNING!'

[doogles]

A drover from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.


I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"




"A couple of minutes ago

[Watson]

very good one.

[Braininvat]

I loved the gong one, especially. Had never heard it. Passed it along.